Solomon Grundy

I look out upon my backyard and a dead lawn the colour of straw, a dustbowl for a vegie patch and a bedraggled line of mature, dying shrubs and plants, including an old lemon tree, that have given up their search for water. Meanwhile my neighbour fills his inground pool and I’m left to ponder the vagaries of water policy in this thirsty state. Now, I’m not about to begrudge the kids next door a swim this summer but for some of us who haven’t got  - or can’t afford - a pool, a vibrant garden is our summer oasis equivalent, or as near as we can get. Victoria, the Garden State? I don’t think so.

Just as well I don’t particularly like the colour green…

I’m all for animal rights but when I take Sol Jnr to the Zoo, I pay a pretty penny so he can marvel at the beasts, not the amazing enclosures their keepers have built. There’s more camouflage and foxholes built into the animals’ new homes than you’ll find in all of Iraq. The chameleons don’t even bother changing colour anymore. No one can spot them anyway.

It’s time the zoo introduced a pay per view ticketing system. It won’t stop my son complaining but it will ease the cost of repeat visits in the hope the Tigers (that’s them in the pic above strutting their stuff in their enclosure last time we were there) will - one day, soon, maybe, if we’re lucky and when the stars align - make a special appearance.

What are you prepared to pay for a good coffee? $2.80? $3? Whatever your price, get ready to pay a little more for your beans. The hot tip from a barista of quality with cafe interests in Elsternwick and South Yarra is expect to pay minimum 20c extra. Timing? Well, just as soon as someone has the nerve. Apparently they’re all staring each other down in true spaghetti western style, just waiting on someone else to make the first move so they can say, hey! he drew first, I had to draw too!

Is the coffee bean the new banana of a galloping economy? 

When real estate agents talk about “position, position, position”, they’re not talking about the school around the corner, nor the bayside views. They’re talking about the great takeaway just up the road a bit.  Or at least they should be. Here’s my list of the best in and around Elsternwick. And yep, this is important, so be prepared to hike a suburb or two. Trust me, it will be worth it. I’d explain the criteria but there isn’t one.

1/ Danny and Joe, 154 Hawthorn Rd Caulfield North 95300900

Basic Israeli food….dips, meat skewers, schnitzels, salads (what do they put in the spicy Turkish salad? I don’t think i want to know), pitas etc. Always full, book if you want to eat in, always chaotic. Maybe because the food’s basic they can’t stuff it up. And it’s cheap, especially if you go for a filled pita, or a megaplate (will more than fill two people).

 2/  Arabesque Middle Eastern Grill, 1-3 Carr St Elsternwick 95231108

It’s got the Malouf name attached to it (the chef is brother of Greg) and is of a quality rare in Elsternwick. Only problem is they severely limit the takeaway menu but what you do get is sensational. And there’s a discount if you order before the dinner rush.

 3/ I Carusi II  231 Barkly Street, St Kilda, 9593 6033. As a former Brunswick boy I was well acquainted with the original and best I Carusi. So what a bonus when the pizza revolution of a couple of years back brought the spin off to our doorstep (well, almost). This is real, simple, thin-based, traditonal-toppings pizza. Mr Wolf’s closer but you’ll pay a lot more.

 4/ Chinta Ria Jazz, 176 Commercial rd Prahran 95106520

Hawker style Malaysian. It’s on this list because they home deliver (although sometimes you have to convince them that Elsternwick is not on the other side of the planet).

5/ Ripples Seafood and BBQ Restaurant, 40 Glenferrie Rd Malvern 95095365. Great fresh Chinese food. The Barramundi (you can’t get more Chinese than that!) is sensational. Nemo fish in the tank where you wait is great for the kids. This place is full to the rafters most nights so they must be doing plenty right.

Congratulations Mick Malthouse. Your snarling arrogance has finally paid off. Yep, as the game went down to the wire last night I actually found myself  barracking for a South Australian team. Not just any SA team — Port Adelaide. Now as a Victorian, that’s low. I only stayed up in the hope of seeing Mick sulk and brood and bark at everyone else. What a shame his side won and deprived us all of his self-indulgent sideshow. Does anyone disagree that, health issues or no health issues, it’s time Mick hung up his coaching boots and went snarling into obscurity?

Let’s call it Little Weed Syndrome. Australian’s penchant for elevating average talent or performance for no other reason than, well, it’s home grown “talent”. Eskimo Joe’s Black Fingernails Red Wine is the type of standard I’d expect to hear from any earnest band pumping out a paint-by-numbers  ”hard pop” song to the stragglers in the backroom at their local late on a Friday night. Leave the classic Aussie rock stuff to Powderfinger, lads. All I hear is a wail like fingernails on a blackboard, amplified by a red-wine hangover. Is there anyone out there game enough to try something different (and no, don’t even think of nominating Wolfmother)?